Tuesday, March 31, 2015

if i ever feel better...

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control
- If I ever feel better, Phoenix

there's a good reason a chunk of time has passed since my last post. my head has been well below water, only occasionally bobbing to the top for a breath here and there. having thought many of the hard times in 2014 were left with the stroke of midnight on dec. 31, i entered into 2015 with wild hopes of life beginning to find some sort of normalcy. but i should've known that as a new family, we still hadn't even begun to define what that looks like. 

i began a new job that proved to be exactly what i was hoping: harder and busier. perhaps i was crazy making a switch from cold comfort to something fast-paced and foreign while still in the first year of sam's life. but it was a choice i made for my the betterment of myself and looking back nearly 4 months after the switch, i'm glad i did it. 

with the new year brought a whole new set of challenges that, if e and i had factored their possibilities into our lives before, we certainly had not given them enough strength. january and february proved to be two of the hardest months since we met, we'd probably both also say in our lives in general. now being on the other side of spring, the record-breaking amount of snowfall that got dumped upon boston over a short 4 weeks was only a minor blip. from dec - feb plague after plague fell upon the fletcher household, leaving us all perpetually sick, tired, cranky and just short of broken. i found myself more than once walking through the piles of 8 foot snow banks, semi-frozen tears streaming down my face. it wasn't that parenting or my new job, or keeping up with my marriage was hard, i found it all borderline impossible and, truthfully, almost unbearable. 

to give us a boost and something to look forward to, e and i booked are usual "spring break" trip. we knew it'd look a bit different this time around so we invited my parents and sister to join us, and found a new caribbean island to explore, st. croix. right on up to the day before we left, sam was sick. but 1/2 a day of transit later, the caribbean warmth did what it always does best: melted away our sick, tired and cold shells, unveiling a version of our old selves. we spent the week catching up on rest (thanks to extra sets of hands to help with sam), listening to island tunes and tuning out the worries and to-dos we left up north. we returned home feeling like we just might make it.

i look at march 2015 as a turning point for us. i've worked hard to roll with the punches this winter and find solace in friends, old + new. and even in the darkest times, i also have found joy and energy watching my baby boy grow into a smart, active, curious, talkative, sweet, handsome toddler, which we'll be celebrating just next month. 

it's hard to believe we're finally thawing out up here. i was sure this winter would last forever. in fact, i'm still certain that many of these final piles of ice may actually never melt, remaining a reminder of what the last few months brought. and to me, that'd be about right. there are certainly some scars that i've acquired that will be sticking around long into the summer months as well. 

on the year anniversary of my gram's death, and coming up on the year celebration of sam's birth, i can say this last year has been the longest/shortest of my life. it's been a period of struggle and sadness coupled with an indescribable amount of joy and strength. i've lost my way, my cool, my temper and at times, even myself - a new feeling for me. but, i've forged a new road. and on this road, i'm feeling stronger than ever. i'm feeling like my new, old self.  

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

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