Wednesday, June 10, 2015

indescribable love.

last month a story on huffington post caught my attention. i've been thinking about how to share it here because i've been coming back to it a lot and in case it were to help someone random - or even myself - in the future, some way, some how. then i thought about not posting it, because it dives deep into a feeling and time i've thought constantly about but shied away from sharing with anyone as bluntly (and beautifully) as this woman shares it. 

why, i don't know. this is nothing to be ashamed about. which made me realize i would be hiding from myself and perfectly normal emotions that many women who become mothers hide from, just because they are different than those of their friends', family's or the "masses." and that's a problem in today's world of becoming a mom. and for those that know me, that's a problem for in general.

i've written a few times recently how i've been unable to exactly describe my time with sam. that it's been everything i dreamed and so much more i didn't. i can't put my love into words. i can't measure how much my heart and head have grown. i can't put a value on his life or ours together. i can't imagine a day, hour, second without him. every single minute i'm away i can't wait to be with him. to go all white girl on it: i just can't even. 

but it didn't start so smooth. 

so i sent an email to the huffpo with the goal of reaching the author of this post. to tell her thank you. and to air my feelings i've been privately carrying around. so now, because i went ahead and put that out into the world, i feel 100% good to post here. for those who know me and don't, to read. so here's my note to the author. with a link to the story that made me feel...normal. 


Hi there, I've been obsessed with this story since it was published.

My son was born 14 months ago and I feel like this post summed it all up for me. I was blessed with and excited for his (happy, healthy) arrival, but the insecurity, emotions and challenges that followed seemed to swallow so much enjoyment. I was left confused: missing my baby when I wasn't with him, but so unsure of what I was doing and so, so, so very tired. Although I cried tears of joy once he was in my arms, and felt something beautiful and different than i'd experienced before, I felt guilty I didn't have that immediate wave of immense love wash over me. My feelings were more primal. Survival. I knew the things I needed to do at my expense to keep him alive and well. But it didn't take long for me to fall so deeply in love with Sam, as we got to know each other over cries, laughs, naps, strolls and feedings. 

Perhaps I still carry some guilt that I didn't receive that rush that "everyone" talks about on the spot. So I keep coming back to this story for reassurance that I'm not the only one. I've never been one to fall in love with someone at first sight. So why should I have thought it would be any different with this new person? I find comfort in reminding myself that those that earn my deep, true, loyal love, have it for the rest of their life.

I'm hoping you can share my thoughts with the author of this post. I want her to know her words connected with me in a way I've been searching for and needing, since April 12, 2014.

Thank you.