Monday, November 9, 2015

daylight fading.

fall has settled into new england quite nicely over the last few weeks. it's my EIGHTH fall up here and each year i'm always in such awe of the beauty. this is still my favorite thing about living in the north east and, regardless of the fact it means #winteriscoming, fall remains my favorite so i never cease to to submerge myself in the season.  

taking advantage of daylight hours is key this time of year, so sam and i kicked off the weekend leaf-peeping and walking some sunny paths. the kid is obsessed with leaf piles at the moment, running unprompted into the massive mounds. its makes my heart swell with joy for so many reasons, mostly because i see that he too has found his own love for what autumn brings - even if he doesn't fully know it yet. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

let your love grow tall

someone tell my sweet baby boy to stop growing up so fast.

i swear it was just yesterday i was rocking/dancing him through his witching hour each night. now, evening park visits and baths keep him occupied until he readily goes to bed.

i swear, every day i think my mama heart isn't strong enough to handle these wonderful changes. it will surely break, longing for things of the past.

oh my sweet, sweet sam. you'll never know...

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

indescribable love.

last month a story on huffington post caught my attention. i've been thinking about how to share it here because i've been coming back to it a lot and in case it were to help someone random - or even myself - in the future, some way, some how. then i thought about not posting it, because it dives deep into a feeling and time i've thought constantly about but shied away from sharing with anyone as bluntly (and beautifully) as this woman shares it. 

why, i don't know. this is nothing to be ashamed about. which made me realize i would be hiding from myself and perfectly normal emotions that many women who become mothers hide from, just because they are different than those of their friends', family's or the "masses." and that's a problem in today's world of becoming a mom. and for those that know me, that's a problem for in general.

i've written a few times recently how i've been unable to exactly describe my time with sam. that it's been everything i dreamed and so much more i didn't. i can't put my love into words. i can't measure how much my heart and head have grown. i can't put a value on his life or ours together. i can't imagine a day, hour, second without him. every single minute i'm away i can't wait to be with him. to go all white girl on it: i just can't even. 

but it didn't start so smooth. 

so i sent an email to the huffpo with the goal of reaching the author of this post. to tell her thank you. and to air my feelings i've been privately carrying around. so now, because i went ahead and put that out into the world, i feel 100% good to post here. for those who know me and don't, to read. so here's my note to the author. with a link to the story that made me feel...normal. 


Hi there, I've been obsessed with this story since it was published.

My son was born 14 months ago and I feel like this post summed it all up for me. I was blessed with and excited for his (happy, healthy) arrival, but the insecurity, emotions and challenges that followed seemed to swallow so much enjoyment. I was left confused: missing my baby when I wasn't with him, but so unsure of what I was doing and so, so, so very tired. Although I cried tears of joy once he was in my arms, and felt something beautiful and different than i'd experienced before, I felt guilty I didn't have that immediate wave of immense love wash over me. My feelings were more primal. Survival. I knew the things I needed to do at my expense to keep him alive and well. But it didn't take long for me to fall so deeply in love with Sam, as we got to know each other over cries, laughs, naps, strolls and feedings. 

Perhaps I still carry some guilt that I didn't receive that rush that "everyone" talks about on the spot. So I keep coming back to this story for reassurance that I'm not the only one. I've never been one to fall in love with someone at first sight. So why should I have thought it would be any different with this new person? I find comfort in reminding myself that those that earn my deep, true, loyal love, have it for the rest of their life.

I'm hoping you can share my thoughts with the author of this post. I want her to know her words connected with me in a way I've been searching for and needing, since April 12, 2014.

Thank you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

the one.

on sunday we celebrated sam's first birthday. after a sleepless night (sam was so excited about his birthday, he refused to sleep all night - a total beale trait i might add...) i climbed out of bed at 6:30am, noting that one year ago at that very moment i was pushing my baby into this world.

like the day he was born, spring did not disappoint, showing up with 70 degree temps and sunny skies. i had planned on this weather and planned our activities accordingly (long walks, swings at the park, bbq with friends) what i had not planned were the emotions that took over me the whole day through. the waves of shock that a year - one in which i had questioned my survival many times - had come and gone.

i don't think i can sum up what this year has meant to me. how it's been hard, easy, long, short, happy, sad, frustrating, surprising, scary and EVERYTHING in between. i can often find words to express love and loss, and general day-to-day life, but even after a year i can't quite nail down my thoughts and feelings pertaining to life with sam. in short, it has been so amazing and rewarding. it has been everything i thought it would be and so much i didn't. i look at the world completely different now and, although it took some time, i look at myself differently too. i vaguely remember who i was and what life was like before sam and that's become just fine by me.

this little man - our first, the one that made us a family - has brought a joy to our lives that we didn't know could be found. he's summoned in me a love and a level of patience that i swore i didn't have. i guess to sum it up, he's made me whole.

when i think of watching sam grow my mama heart can't handle it, it's so overwhelming. it also feels weirdly selfish. i get to witness his progress and catalogue all his changes. yet he will never notice my transformation of which i credit him 100%.

i had a friend tell me that day 366 was a lot easier on mamas than day 365. i found that to be a tiny bit true, having escaped many feelings of the raw emotions that lingered all day. but in the end, there's no escaping the new person i became on April 12, 2014 and the life that person has lived in just this short year.

sam + mama

sam + mama

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

if i ever feel better...

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control
- If I ever feel better, Phoenix

there's a good reason a chunk of time has passed since my last post. my head has been well below water, only occasionally bobbing to the top for a breath here and there. having thought many of the hard times in 2014 were left with the stroke of midnight on dec. 31, i entered into 2015 with wild hopes of life beginning to find some sort of normalcy. but i should've known that as a new family, we still hadn't even begun to define what that looks like. 

i began a new job that proved to be exactly what i was hoping: harder and busier. perhaps i was crazy making a switch from cold comfort to something fast-paced and foreign while still in the first year of sam's life. but it was a choice i made for my the betterment of myself and looking back nearly 4 months after the switch, i'm glad i did it. 

with the new year brought a whole new set of challenges that, if e and i had factored their possibilities into our lives before, we certainly had not given them enough strength. january and february proved to be two of the hardest months since we met, we'd probably both also say in our lives in general. now being on the other side of spring, the record-breaking amount of snowfall that got dumped upon boston over a short 4 weeks was only a minor blip. from dec - feb plague after plague fell upon the fletcher household, leaving us all perpetually sick, tired, cranky and just short of broken. i found myself more than once walking through the piles of 8 foot snow banks, semi-frozen tears streaming down my face. it wasn't that parenting or my new job, or keeping up with my marriage was hard, i found it all borderline impossible and, truthfully, almost unbearable. 

to give us a boost and something to look forward to, e and i booked are usual "spring break" trip. we knew it'd look a bit different this time around so we invited my parents and sister to join us, and found a new caribbean island to explore, st. croix. right on up to the day before we left, sam was sick. but 1/2 a day of transit later, the caribbean warmth did what it always does best: melted away our sick, tired and cold shells, unveiling a version of our old selves. we spent the week catching up on rest (thanks to extra sets of hands to help with sam), listening to island tunes and tuning out the worries and to-dos we left up north. we returned home feeling like we just might make it.

i look at march 2015 as a turning point for us. i've worked hard to roll with the punches this winter and find solace in friends, old + new. and even in the darkest times, i also have found joy and energy watching my baby boy grow into a smart, active, curious, talkative, sweet, handsome toddler, which we'll be celebrating just next month. 

it's hard to believe we're finally thawing out up here. i was sure this winter would last forever. in fact, i'm still certain that many of these final piles of ice may actually never melt, remaining a reminder of what the last few months brought. and to me, that'd be about right. there are certainly some scars that i've acquired that will be sticking around long into the summer months as well. 

on the year anniversary of my gram's death, and coming up on the year celebration of sam's birth, i can say this last year has been the longest/shortest of my life. it's been a period of struggle and sadness coupled with an indescribable amount of joy and strength. i've lost my way, my cool, my temper and at times, even myself - a new feeling for me. but, i've forged a new road. and on this road, i'm feeling stronger than ever. i'm feeling like my new, old self.  

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know