Tuesday, April 14, 2015

the one.

on sunday we celebrated sam's first birthday. after a sleepless night (sam was so excited about his birthday, he refused to sleep all night - a total beale trait i might add...) i climbed out of bed at 6:30am, noting that one year ago at that very moment i was pushing my baby into this world.

like the day he was born, spring did not disappoint, showing up with 70 degree temps and sunny skies. i had planned on this weather and planned our activities accordingly (long walks, swings at the park, bbq with friends) what i had not planned were the emotions that took over me the whole day through. the waves of shock that a year - one in which i had questioned my survival many times - had come and gone.

i don't think i can sum up what this year has meant to me. how it's been hard, easy, long, short, happy, sad, frustrating, surprising, scary and EVERYTHING in between. i can often find words to express love and loss, and general day-to-day life, but even after a year i can't quite nail down my thoughts and feelings pertaining to life with sam. in short, it has been so amazing and rewarding. it has been everything i thought it would be and so much i didn't. i look at the world completely different now and, although it took some time, i look at myself differently too. i vaguely remember who i was and what life was like before sam and that's become just fine by me.

this little man - our first, the one that made us a family - has brought a joy to our lives that we didn't know could be found. he's summoned in me a love and a level of patience that i swore i didn't have. i guess to sum it up, he's made me whole.

when i think of watching sam grow my mama heart can't handle it, it's so overwhelming. it also feels weirdly selfish. i get to witness his progress and catalogue all his changes. yet he will never notice my transformation of which i credit him 100%.

i had a friend tell me that day 366 was a lot easier on mamas than day 365. i found that to be a tiny bit true, having escaped many feelings of the raw emotions that lingered all day. but in the end, there's no escaping the new person i became on April 12, 2014 and the life that person has lived in just this short year.

sam + mama

sam + mama

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