like the day he was born, spring did not disappoint, showing up with 70 degree temps and sunny skies. i had planned on this weather and planned our activities accordingly (long walks, swings at the park, bbq with friends) what i had not planned were the emotions that took over me the whole day through. the waves of shock that a year - one in which i had questioned my survival many times - had come and gone.
i don't think i can sum up what this year has meant to me. how it's been hard, easy, long, short, happy, sad, frustrating, surprising, scary and EVERYTHING in between. i can often find words to express love and loss, and general day-to-day life, but even after a year i can't quite nail down my thoughts and feelings pertaining to life with sam. in short, it has been so amazing and rewarding. it has been everything i thought it would be and so much i didn't. i look at the world completely different now and, although it took some time, i look at myself differently too. i vaguely remember who i was and what life was like before sam and that's become just fine by me.
this little man - our first, the one that made us a family - has brought a joy to our lives that we didn't know could be found. he's summoned in me a love and a level of patience that i swore i didn't have. i guess to sum it up, he's made me whole.
when i think of watching sam grow my mama heart can't handle it, it's so overwhelming. it also feels weirdly selfish. i get to witness his progress and catalogue all his changes. yet he will never notice my transformation of which i credit him 100%.
i had a friend tell me that day 366 was a lot easier on mamas than day 365. i found that to be a tiny bit true, having escaped many feelings of the raw emotions that lingered all day. but in the end, there's no escaping the new person i became on April 12, 2014 and the life that person has lived in just this short year.
sam + mama
sam + mama