Thursday, May 15, 2014

and then there were three

Pisces, Virgo rising is a very good sign,
Strong and kind,
And the little boy is mine.
Now I see a family where the once was none.
Now we've just begun.
Yeah, we're gonna fly to the sun.
- kenny loggins, danny's song

i've been on hiatus but for very good reason. shortly after my last post the little bean inside of me decided HE was going to come on out early and bring us some much-needed joy.
samuel davis fletcher arrived nine days early on april 12th at 7am and everything about it was pure magic.
it was a long and tiring 31 hours of labor that began at the stroke of midnight on april 11th and i've been running on fumes since, but over the span of that laboring time i don't think i've ever felt more empowered or more in love with e.
in the wee hours of the morning of the 12th, when the whole city was dark (we had an excellent view of the entire boston skyline...) with my sister stretched out on the recliner beside my bed and my e sitting beside me watching the monitors, i experienced what i'm sure will be the most intimate moments of my life. a playlist e and i had taken weeks to compile played softly in the background and the two, sometimes three, of us were singing along in whispers as song after song filled the room. the only other sound was the beeping of the baby's heart, letting us know that all was OK and he/she would be joining us soon.
as those tunes played, e held my hand and we just sang to each other. songs that had been part of our relationship for nearly nine years filtered past those speakers and tears streamed down our faces as i sweetly remembered memories from past lives: the first dance i ever shared with e; girl weekends with my sis; a sing-a-long with my best friend; a dance party at the beach with my whole family; me walking down the isle to marry my love. the list of memories that flashed in my mind continues.
around 5am i was told the end was finally in sight and i began to push our child into the world. with a new playlist blasting upbeat tunes, my sis, e and i sang along in between contractions. carol king was belting her hit, "i feel the earth move" and the sun was just beginning to rise across the charles when sam came squealing out and e announced through tears that we now had a son.
the feeling that came over me was first relief: my workout was complete and the babe was OK. then, as they plopped that slimy baby on top of me it was pure love mixed with fear. over the next two days, my sis, e and spent the days and nights in a joyful shock, recounting what had happened in amazement. e and i shared laughs and cries. the emotions that ran over us were so raw as we realized that we'd just changed our lives, our families - the world even - by having this little one. all i could think about was how sam would never ever know how much i loved him. he made me melt in so many ways that it hurt.
i've spent the last almost five weeks trying to stay afloat as we adjust to life with a newborn. i can't remember what sleep feels like and some days i feel like i'm doing it all wrong, as i can't console sam and i have no idea what he needs/wants. multiple times a day i walk past a mirror and barely recognize the woman that's reflected back. not only does she not have a large belly anymore, but she's barely got her hair brushed and she's never out of pj's.
on the rare occasion i can take a shower and enjoy it, i look in the mirror to search again, closer this time, for the woman that i went to bed as the night of april 10th. i see her beauty products in the bathroom cabinet, her clothes are hanging in the closet upstairs and if i scroll back far enough on my iphone, i see recent parties she's been to or trips she's been on. but during the waking hours (which are pretty much around the clock) i can't find her.
sam's arrival forever changed me. changed us. and to be honest, it's something i've been having to remind myself to accept. perhaps this is the strongest feeling of all that no one really prepares you for. it takes time.
i couldn't be more happy that e and i have a healthy baby boy that has officially made us a family. i look at his face and think of how hard i prayed for him. how he's been to greece, nc and puerto rico with me. how he grew inside of me and how he found comfort in my heartbeat day in and day out - just like i found comfort in his on doctor's visits. most of all, i think of how when he left my body, he took a big chunk of that heart and whoever i was before that.
no, sam will never know how much i love him. and he'll never know, just like his dad, how much he changed me and is challenging me to be a better woman than i was the day before. but i'll spend the rest of my life telling him both of those things. 

I don’t remember, were we wild and young
All that’s faded into memory
I feel like somebody I don’t know
Are we really who we used to be
Am I really who I was
- lucky now, ryan adams

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