daylight fading.

fall has settled into new england quite nicely over the last few weeks. it's my EIGHTH fall up here and each year i'm always in such awe of the beauty. this is still my favorite thing about living in the north east and, regardless of the fact it means #winteriscoming, fall remains my favorite so i never cease to to submerge myself in the season.  

taking advantage of daylight hours is key this time of year, so sam and i kicked off the weekend leaf-peeping and walking some sunny paths. the kid is obsessed with leaf piles at the moment, running unprompted into the massive mounds. its makes my heart swell with joy for so many reasons, mostly because i see that he too has found his own love for what autumn brings - even if he doesn't fully know it yet. 

let your love grow tall

someone tell my sweet baby boy to stop growing up so fast.

i swear it was just yesterday i was rocking/dancing him through his witching hour each night. now, evening park visits and baths keep him occupied until he readily goes to bed.

i swear, every day i think my mama heart isn't strong enough to handle these wonderful changes. it will surely break, longing for things of the past.

oh my sweet, sweet sam. you'll never know...

indescribable love.

last month a story on huffington post caught my attention. i've been thinking about how to share it here because i've been coming back to it a lot and in case it were to help someone random - or even myself - in the future, some way, some how. then i thought about not posting it, because it dives deep into a feeling and time i've thought constantly about but shied away from sharing with anyone as bluntly (and beautifully) as this woman shares it. 

why, i don't know. this is nothing to be ashamed about. which made me realize i would be hiding from myself and perfectly normal emotions that many women who become mothers hide from, just because they are different than those of their friends', family's or the "masses." and that's a problem in today's world of becoming a mom. and for those that know me, that's a problem for in general.

i've written a few times recently how i've been unable to exactly describe my time with sam. that it's been everything i dreamed and so much more i didn't. i can't put my love into words. i can't measure how much my heart and head have grown. i can't put a value on his life or ours together. i can't imagine a day, hour, second without him. every single minute i'm away i can't wait to be with him. to go all white girl on it: i just can't even. 

but it didn't start so smooth. 

so i sent an email to the huffpo with the goal of reaching the author of this post. to tell her thank you. and to air my feelings i've been privately carrying around. so now, because i went ahead and put that out into the world, i feel 100% good to post here. for those who know me and don't, to read. so here's my note to the author. with a link to the story that made me feel...normal. 

---
Hi there, I've been obsessed with this story since it was published. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katrina-viyar/it-was-not-love-at-first-sight_b_7444204.html

My son was born 14 months ago and I feel like this post summed it all up for me. I was blessed with and excited for his (happy, healthy) arrival, but the insecurity, emotions and challenges that followed seemed to swallow so much enjoyment. I was left confused: missing my baby when I wasn't with him, but so unsure of what I was doing and so, so, so very tired. Although I cried tears of joy once he was in my arms, and felt something beautiful and different than i'd experienced before, I felt guilty I didn't have that immediate wave of immense love wash over me. My feelings were more primal. Survival. I knew the things I needed to do at my expense to keep him alive and well. But it didn't take long for me to fall so deeply in love with Sam, as we got to know each other over cries, laughs, naps, strolls and feedings. 

Perhaps I still carry some guilt that I didn't receive that rush that "everyone" talks about on the spot. So I keep coming back to this story for reassurance that I'm not the only one. I've never been one to fall in love with someone at first sight. So why should I have thought it would be any different with this new person? I find comfort in reminding myself that those that earn my deep, true, loyal love, have it for the rest of their life.

I'm hoping you can share my thoughts with the author of this post. I want her to know her words connected with me in a way I've been searching for and needing, since April 12, 2014.

Thank you.

the one.

on sunday we celebrated sam's first birthday. after a sleepless night (sam was so excited about his birthday, he refused to sleep all night - a total beale trait i might add...) i climbed out of bed at 6:30am, noting that one year ago at that very moment i was pushing my baby into this world.

like the day he was born, spring did not disappoint, showing up with 70 degree temps and sunny skies. i had planned on this weather and planned our activities accordingly (long walks, swings at the park, bbq with friends) what i had not planned were the emotions that took over me the whole day through. the waves of shock that a year - one in which i had questioned my survival many times - had come and gone.

i don't think i can sum up what this year has meant to me. how it's been hard, easy, long, short, happy, sad, frustrating, surprising, scary and EVERYTHING in between. i can often find words to express love and loss, and general day-to-day life, but even after a year i can't quite nail down my thoughts and feelings pertaining to life with sam. in short, it has been so amazing and rewarding. it has been everything i thought it would be and so much i didn't. i look at the world completely different now and, although it took some time, i look at myself differently too. i vaguely remember who i was and what life was like before sam and that's become just fine by me.

this little man - our first, the one that made us a family - has brought a joy to our lives that we didn't know could be found. he's summoned in me a love and a level of patience that i swore i didn't have. i guess to sum it up, he's made me whole.

when i think of watching sam grow my mama heart can't handle it, it's so overwhelming. it also feels weirdly selfish. i get to witness his progress and catalogue all his changes. yet he will never notice my transformation of which i credit him 100%.

i had a friend tell me that day 366 was a lot easier on mamas than day 365. i found that to be a tiny bit true, having escaped many feelings of the raw emotions that lingered all day. but in the end, there's no escaping the new person i became on April 12, 2014 and the life that person has lived in just this short year.

sam + mama

4.12.14

sam + mama

4.12.15