I feel fine anytime she's around me now.
And she's around me now, almost all the time.
If I'm well, you can tell that she's been with me, now.
And she's been with me now, quite a long, long, time.
Yes and I feel fine.
Something in the Way She Moves - James Taylor
Our fourth (and final) family member, Edith Wildes Fletcher joined us on September 9th. E and I spent the better part of 2016 debating about having a second child. After 2.5 years with Sam, our lives had finally fallen into a solid routine that seemed so normal. Perhaps it was because we enjoyed Sam so much, that we didn't really feel the need for another addition. But then again, for the same reason, we thought adding to the family would be fun. A decision was made for us rather quickly, which was excellent because honestly, there was a window of time I was going to commit to for this to happen. I spent all of 2017 pregnant, managing gestational diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis and of course, a toddler. It didn't take long to dawn on me that pregnancy the second time around totally loses its luster. But, once again my body grew a healthy baby and I'm incredibly lucky for that.
I was so very nervous about many things during the almost 10 months of pregnancy. I was nervous to have a girl as mother-daughter relationships can be...complicated. Of course, they can be so amazing as well. I'd also grown accustomed to raising, playing with and talking to a boy, that I was (ironically) unsure how I'd handle that with a girl. Mostly I was nervous of "losing" Sam. He was my first. My baby. My buddy. I knew the time a newborn took. The energy, both physically and mentally. Did I have all that in me? Could I give him the same attention at a time when he surely would notice if I slacked. And while I knew that double the kids also meant double the fun, I was still wary of my ability to love another in the same manner that I did Sam - although everyone told me I could and would. Of course I was excited too. My shoulders felt lighter knowing our family would be complete. I could finally take the idea of another child off the table.
Nerves aside, I soaked up the spring and especially summer pal-ing around with my first born. Picking him up despite the size of my belly, playing rescue missions with him and showing him as much as I could of the days before I would inevitably disappear. I hugged him a little harder. Kissed him a little more. Read him a few extra books and fell asleep with him many nights. I seemed to be breaking all the rules we'd put in place over the last 3 years, in fear I'd never get these times back.
September finally arrived and the first of many transitions for Sam began - starting a new school. I was able to get him through a few days of the new preschool before I went into labor. Having everything in place at home felt weird. Almost every piece of laundry was done, dishes were washed and toys were put up. We were ready and waiting. I sped up the process with a little help from my doc, but Edie took over after that, giving me a quick (but super-intense) labor. My sister arrived in time to help me and E welcome our second, in the same hospital we'd welcomed our first, at 2am to the soundtrack of The Bee Gees' Night Fever.
Edie was born with her deep dark eyes wide open. She cried for only a second, before they placed her on my chest. She instantly looked at me, grabbed my pinky and latched with no problem. Immediately I feel so deeply in love with this little girl. The days at the hospital were easy. I knew what to expect this time around, I utilized the nursery to get some sleep and I stayed in the bed a lot more to let my body recover from birth. I found myself excited to see her rolled in for a feeding. This time, my role as mother was solidified. I knew it was my job and I found no confusion or anxiety on what that title entailed.
The next few weeks were clouded by the normal newborn...newness (for lack of a better word). My mom and dad helped me ease Edie into the world as we know it, making her comfy when we could, teaching her to sleep and keeping her well-fed. And while there were many nights that seemed to roll into the mornings, it all flew by so very fast. But she caught on to all the things so easily. I find myself back at work today, wondering how it's already done.
In 2018 I hope to find a way to better balance two kids, knowing it will always look different and most likely never be equal. I want to reconnect with Sam in his new role and new age. I want to watch Edie grow and flourish as she adapts to life and I want to continue to put my family first. Most of all, I want to take in all the blessings and successes I have right in front of me, and relish in those before they slip right by.
I was so very nervous about many things during the almost 10 months of pregnancy. I was nervous to have a girl as mother-daughter relationships can be...complicated. Of course, they can be so amazing as well. I'd also grown accustomed to raising, playing with and talking to a boy, that I was (ironically) unsure how I'd handle that with a girl. Mostly I was nervous of "losing" Sam. He was my first. My baby. My buddy. I knew the time a newborn took. The energy, both physically and mentally. Did I have all that in me? Could I give him the same attention at a time when he surely would notice if I slacked. And while I knew that double the kids also meant double the fun, I was still wary of my ability to love another in the same manner that I did Sam - although everyone told me I could and would. Of course I was excited too. My shoulders felt lighter knowing our family would be complete. I could finally take the idea of another child off the table.
Nerves aside, I soaked up the spring and especially summer pal-ing around with my first born. Picking him up despite the size of my belly, playing rescue missions with him and showing him as much as I could of the days before I would inevitably disappear. I hugged him a little harder. Kissed him a little more. Read him a few extra books and fell asleep with him many nights. I seemed to be breaking all the rules we'd put in place over the last 3 years, in fear I'd never get these times back.
September finally arrived and the first of many transitions for Sam began - starting a new school. I was able to get him through a few days of the new preschool before I went into labor. Having everything in place at home felt weird. Almost every piece of laundry was done, dishes were washed and toys were put up. We were ready and waiting. I sped up the process with a little help from my doc, but Edie took over after that, giving me a quick (but super-intense) labor. My sister arrived in time to help me and E welcome our second, in the same hospital we'd welcomed our first, at 2am to the soundtrack of The Bee Gees' Night Fever.
Edie was born with her deep dark eyes wide open. She cried for only a second, before they placed her on my chest. She instantly looked at me, grabbed my pinky and latched with no problem. Immediately I feel so deeply in love with this little girl. The days at the hospital were easy. I knew what to expect this time around, I utilized the nursery to get some sleep and I stayed in the bed a lot more to let my body recover from birth. I found myself excited to see her rolled in for a feeding. This time, my role as mother was solidified. I knew it was my job and I found no confusion or anxiety on what that title entailed.
The next few weeks were clouded by the normal newborn...newness (for lack of a better word). My mom and dad helped me ease Edie into the world as we know it, making her comfy when we could, teaching her to sleep and keeping her well-fed. And while there were many nights that seemed to roll into the mornings, it all flew by so very fast. But she caught on to all the things so easily. I find myself back at work today, wondering how it's already done.
In 2018 I hope to find a way to better balance two kids, knowing it will always look different and most likely never be equal. I want to reconnect with Sam in his new role and new age. I want to watch Edie grow and flourish as she adapts to life and I want to continue to put my family first. Most of all, I want to take in all the blessings and successes I have right in front of me, and relish in those before they slip right by.
But I chose to dance across the stages of the world.
Everyone said I'd never learn.
And I still hear your words:
"I waited all my life for you...sweet girl."
Sweet Girl - Fleetwood Mac
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