winter woes

the last week (and even two) have brought a stretch of cold weather that e and i haven't faced in all of our five years here. it's been bru.tal.

over the past few winters, i've often found myself proud of how i've handled this season. i have come to find a happiness in the silence, the cold, the calm. and more than anything, i have become stronger solely because of these frozen conditions. withstanding new england winters wasn't just something i thought i could never do, it was something everyone who knew me was sure i wouldn't survive. but there's nothing like a little lack of faith to give you some motivation...

however, seeing that it's only january, my stubbornness is pretty much gone and i'm about to beg for mercy. our spring break to vieques in february can't come soon enough and sometimes, in the morning, walking through the city to get to my office by the water, it's unclear if i'll actually make it to that week...or spring.

i  know by now where new englanders - particularly those in boston - get their edge. this winter chill that's taken over the town can creep up in you, through your mouth, take over your lungs and send that cold rush right to your heart. to survive it, you can't steel yourself, it'll only turn that thing to stone. you have to accept it, take it in and wrap it up in the warmth you've carried with you since those last days of summer.

self portrait.

If I knew then what I know now, I would never have wasted even a single minute doubting my path. It may be human nature to question and doubt, but the older I get, the less I worry about anything. I can see life unfolding in divine order. And even in times of the greatest turmoil, I can stop, get still, and see with utter clarity: This, too, shall pass.

Because everything always does. Until finally, we do. 

No matter what you're struggling through -- no matter the pain or anguish -- you can go inside behind your mind and observe it happening to you. Whatever it is, it isn't you. You are the observer.
When you come to know this, you realize that even though the canvas of your life is painted with daily experiences, behaviors, reactions, and emotions, you're the one controlling the brush. 

What a wonder! It would have been nice to know this at 21. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and self-doubt. But to fully understand, at any age, that you are the artist of your own life -- and can use as many colors and textures as possible (and erase when necessary!)... now, that's a revelation.

- Oprah Winfrey in her op-ed in the Huffington Post

this thought by Oprah is a great reminder to me today, this year and pretty much always. i feel that i'm fortunate to have gained great insight at a young age about how special and fun life is - even when it feels hard, sad, unfair or just plain tough. i truly look at every day as a blessing that holds great opportunity. i've always loved looking back and connecting dots that show a clear path to where i am now (most of those dots i was never able to see at the time), but over the past few years i've challenged myself to enjoy looking forward as well. these days, it's no longer a challenge, as these thoughts and day dreams of my future tend to flow freely.

i spent a lot of 2012 thinking about how far i'd come in so many ways and it was such fun thinking about how i'd gotten here. as the year rounded out and i was approaching my 30th birthday i started to reflect on where i was going in a very different way than i ever had before. i thought about what i started out to do in my life - personal and professional - and i assessed my progress thus far. there were times when i wondered if i'd strayed from my path or even, in more intimate moments with myself, abandoned the whole thing altogether. but i closed out the year and my third decade without a doubt in my mind that i'd done good.

i have many goals/resolutions for 2013. as i've mentioned before, i like to keep a list of no-brainers in the round-up to be sure and stick to good habits. but i've created a few that will no doubt bring some fun, wisdom and challenges as well. but my greatest resolution is not only to not doubt my path in 2013, wherever it may take me, eric, my career or our home. but to also not spend so much time worrying about it. i aim to use my colors wildly and freely and, as Oprah suggests, erase if needed.

here's to another great year!
xx

holi-daze

the last few months have been a blur of work and play, and somehow i've found myself on the other side of fall, staring christmas - and all it brings - right in the face.

this past weekend, sister, e and many, many sweet friends gathered to throw me a gatsby-inspired celebration of a lifetime (30 years to be exact) and it couldn't have been more perfect. i looked around at all the smiles and love in that room and my heart almost burst. it was yet again another sign, confirming i'm exactly where i should be in my life and i don't think i've felt a stronger joy.

this thursday, after e and i participate in our respective work holiday soirees, we'll head to NC for our annual christmas celebration with family. i'm looking forward to heading down south to the land of the pines, lounging in some comfies and starring at the lights on two trees, each in a warm, familiar environment. i'll have cookies, mom's spaghetti and burgin beale's spiked eggnog. i'm excited to hug all their necks and truly live "off the grid" for a few days, which always forces me to slow down. i'll visit with gram + grandaddy, i'll remember christmas evenings with grandma + papa beale and i'll watch the christmas story at least 3 times.

i'll officially ring in 30 on the 24th, with e in a small bar in chapel hill. we'll have a beer and take a shot. he'll tell me how he can't believe i was 22 when we first met. and i'll ask him if i'm the hottest 30 year old he knows (he'll say duh). then i'll open his gift (the first of the day) and we'll head back for late night cookies and bed. after many moments of agony over the past few months, it's safe to say i'm approaching a feeling of excitement about this new chapter. yes, i look at it as an end to much that i know, but i'm excited about the beginning it marks as well and all in all, i remind myself i haven't even reached the middle yet. all the faces of friends and family this weekend, the dances, the drinks, and the pure happiness soothed my anxiety, reminding myself that all this is only possible because of the passing of that bittersweet frenemy, time.

merry christmas to you and yours. may your reminiscing of the past, excitement for the future and most importantly, enjoyment of the present keep you all warm and cozy!

xx

my summer skin.

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin 

- death cab for cutie

summer certainly has come and by tomorrow, will be gone. someone asked me today, when i was expressing my love for fall, if i get a little sad to see summer go. and the answer is a complicated one. of course i get a little sad to wave good-bye to the season that brings warmth, longer days, beach trips, cut-offs, flip-flops and tanned skin with it. but my excitement for what's right around the corner is enough to pull me out of dwelling on my loss. 

tomorrow officially kicks off my favorite time of year and i'm all smiles welcoming it. i gladly switch over my closet, purchase some new fall-inspired wardrobe goodies and set my sights on dates for apple picking, pumpkin carving, football watching and halloween preparation. i think about how i fully enjoyed every minute of the last few months, and start getting excited for more weekends at home, changing leaves and that extra hour of sleep. 

tonight, i'll shed my summer mentality, leaving it with all the excellent memories i have of my summer adventures. and tomorrow i'll fall, heart first, into autumn.